Prosopagnosia & I.Life was already as challenging with the absence of Prosopagnosia and now, with the presence of it, my life has gradually became even more challenging and tough as they days pass by. It is really tough when one loses his or her ability to recognise people, remember how they look like. I believe many of us, we remember people by their face and not their names. It is easy to spot someone we know by looking at their face in a party rather than remembering their names especially if he or she is just a friend you met randomly. It gets even harder when you cannot recognise someone you know for quite a while, it pretty much take its toil on your emotions rather than your mind.
Some of you might be unsure on what Prosopagnosia is, I think most of you don't even know what Prosopagnosia is in the first place. Well, Prosopagnosia is ....
" Prosopagnosia (sometimes known as face blindness) is a disorder of face perception
where the ability to recognize faces is impaired, while the ability to recognize other objects may be relatively intact." - Wikipedia.When I first lost my ability to recognise the photos on my mirror, I was very afraid because it was like out of the blue, I was not able to recognise the people in the photos when I could have always been able to. It came to me with a big shock like I was really slapped hard by it. I was afraid that it might just deteriorate and leave me with no memory of the people around me including my very loved ones. After all, losing my memory is one of the most feared tragic things to happen to me and that would be the last thing to happen to me ever. I was very afraid, I remembered it came to a point that I wasn't even able to recognise my bestfriend even when there were photos of us hanging on my wall. I felt my whole world came crashing tumbling down because I wasn't able to recognise the handful important people in my life and should this condition gets worsen, it is really going to pose hazards to my future if I want to be in the PR industry.
I remembered clearly how it was like when I couldn't recognise the faces of my mentors from my school. I was always under this constant fear that the person I am meeting might not be the person I am suppose to meet like the time I was suppose to meet Melanie when I fought hard with mum, I was so afraid that I was meeting another Melanie from that block. It took me a lot of courage to go with my gut feeling and just go on with it. Thankfully, it was the right Melanie and after that meeting, I realised I have acquired a new skill which might help me to deal and cope with this impairment of face recognition. I have used something tangible or intangible like character traits or voice even to help me identify people. Again, I am going to use Mel because she was one of the first few that I had to meet during my first experience with Prosopagnosia. I identify Mel with her funky, colorful spectacles. That is the only way that I know that is Melanie Lee, my mentor from CCC. For intangible things like character traits or voice, I think that is for Audra. I identify and know that it is Audra by her voice which have this nyonya accent that I can easily identify with.
Every single day, I see true courage in me when I meet people who I have met before but I have forgotten their faces or simply said, I am unable to recognise them anymore. Their faces are no longer in my memory bank. All left of them are just blurred or empty faces and names with their character traits. I see myself pluck a whole large amount of courage sometimes to say Hi to people or say Hello back at them when we bump into each other because I really wouldn't want to make a fool of myself for saying Hi to the wrong people or being slapped with a title of 'arrogant girl' for not saying Hello back to people and especially if these people are those who are of higher authority or older than me. Seriously, that would have left them a wrong impression of me to them. Impressions count they say. (:
Yesterday, I went back to my previous school where sadly, I have lost a great deal of faces that I know in my memory bank. At every moment, I call out their name, their faces never appeared and even if they do appear, its either blurry or something that I barely can make out. I was glad that I was still able to identify some of the faces there like my NPCC ma'am with her forever rebonded hair and Ms Teh who I at first could not really identify but I decided to just go ahead with my intuition and approach her. My intuition proved to be right and I met Ms Teh at the foyer. As I was waiting for my girlfriend to collect her certificate, my eye caught this lady who was in the room beside the Principal's office who gave me a quick smile. I couldn't really make out who she is but I returned her a smile since it is after all, showing some respect to someone who I don't remember her face at all smiling at me. (I mean, I smile at strangers who smile at me so I guess it is perfectly okay to do that to a staff of the school.) There were quite a lot of things that was running in my head when all that happened like questions, who is that lady who smiled at me? Is she who I think she is to be? And then of course, it suddenly hit me that it is my former vice-principal, Mdm Ang. By the time I realised all that, it was all too late because she wasn't inside her room already.
Apart from that, I also went up to the Art rooms to look for another teacher whom I also have forgotten how she looked like and I needed her help to pass a card that I made for Mrs M to cheer her on. On the way up, while appearing distracted by the cheers made by the uniform groups during their training, I was thinking hard on how I was able to identify her and then I remembered her headscarf cos' there is only one Art teacher that I know wears the headscarf which of course made it easier for me to identify her. Lucky me, she was around and of course, I was able to identify her even though I had this slight fear in me thinking that I might have got the wrong Art teacher but I remembered what Jeanette once said to me that fear hinders growth. Hence, I pluck out all the courage I have and waved to her when I saw her. It really required a lot of some unknown great true courage in me to do just that because ever since Prosopagnosia hit me, I have become slightly more hesitant to say Hi to some people and often fear that I may have said Hi to the wrong people. Prosopagnosia in a way has really affected me in a sense of the ever friendly girl I used to be but I guess, I am dealing with that quite well now.
Albeit all that, something hit me quite hard from yesterday's visit. I was without a doubt hurt but I am alright now since I have decided to brush it off and be the greater person and understand (or try to, to say the least) why it turned out that way. I think for someone who is having Prosopagnosia, who is unable to recognise people and misses you a lot, who needed you just to assure her that things will be alright soon and do what you have always been doing to make her feel better, the least you can do is let her see you face to face for a while, 2 minutes would suffice. But of course, you didn't do that. I was very surprised that you didn't even allow me to pass the thing I brought personally to you and told me to left it outside with a simple reason, you were leaving and I thought you were really going to leave then but 10minutes later, I realised you were still inside. Oh well, it doesn't really matter now since I have already done what I was suppose to do and make sure the thing gets to you. I just hope, you like it.
Prosopagnosia one way or another have taught me a few things and brought in not only negative effects but the positive ones as well. At least, I know, it is much easier for me now to not able recognise those people who have hurt me badly in my life and maybe even forget about their existence after all. Courage and confidence, Prosopagnosia have succeeded to instill that in me to keep me going on in this world even with that impairment and inability to recognise people. One challenge and obstacle in my life that I am facing now which I believe in time to come will make me even a stronger person.
That is the story of Prosopagnosia and I.
x - I am writing this not to seek or indulge in any form of pity from you or whatsoever. I am just penning down my thoughts regarding this matter which I have been dealing with for the past few months and how it has really make my life tough and how I am dealing with it. It is also to serve me as a reminder that behind everything that has happened to me, there is bound to be a blessing in disguise. So don't you come up to me and tell me that the main objective of me writing all of this down is to get some pity from my readers or friends who read my blog. Get this, I don't need you or anybody's pity in the first place. Thanks.
We separate only to meet each other again.In everybody's eyes, they were the perfect couple. A couple match made in Heaven, fated to be with each other till death and the world beyond. He was the CEO of his own gaming company while she was one of the top leading PR Executives in the media industry promoting Role Playing Games in their ever fast living, busy country. They were just perfect and nothing else.
They planned to have their wedding at the end of the year. News of their wedding arrangement soon broke out to the masses and they were dubbed undeniably, the couple of the year and wedding of the year. Their wedding preparations were never ending and there were just so many things to do but never had the time to do them all. Thank God for their wedding planner as they have said once to their concerned friends and relatives.
Four more months to their new phase of life as husband and wife. Time sure flies faster than a speeding bullet train. It was only last November Jason proposed to Gwen, went down on his knees with a 5 carat diamond ring from Tiffany & Co. on their 3rd year anniversary courtship. Gwen was struck dumbfounded, not knowing what to say or how to react, she accepted his proposal. Not knowing to Jason, her heart was jumping with intense euphoria, a sudden rush of happiness flowing in her body.
Three months before their wedding, the perfect couple decided to take some time off to relax and spend some quality time together. Their busy and hectic schedule drove them apart for a little while and their hearts longed to see and be connected to each other again. Off they went to a lovely island fit for couples who are deeply, madly love with each other. They were greeted with picturesque view of the sea and mountains from where they were staying for fourteen days in the morning without any disturbance from work or their wedding planner who have been constantly hounding them for their wedding preferences.
They sat down on a couple couch, closely cuddled with hands wrapping around each other in front of the fireplace. It was snowing heavily which hindered them from taking their evening walk.
Gwen: "Like the tree of intertwined branches that connects each of them in Jeju, I want our hearts to be connected to each other too."
Jason: "Me too."
Jason: "Maybe, we should build a house directly in front of the tree. The area around the tree is free and has no future plans of any development. I can imagine us holding hands, walking together, taking small and slow steps walking towards the tree and admiring it from a distance."
Gwen: "Sounds like a classic happy ending for me from those fairy tales to me. Ha-ha! I can imagine waking up and looking forward to seeing the tree which represents our love."
Jason: "My exact sentiments. You know me too well dear."
Gwen: "I wouldn't be your wife to be if I don't know you too well darling."
They continued chatting the night away and soon fell asleep in each other's warm hands, enveloping each other tightly sealed with love.
Exactly a month before their wedding, they went to celebrate their courtship anniversary at a local theme park. Jason had preplanned everything in advance behind Gwen's back. All she had to do was just to be there and nothing else. They were to meet each other at 8pm sharp at the gate of the theme park. It was raining heavily. Luck was not on the lovebirds' side and God had decided not to help Jason in stopping or lessening the rain. It was a horrendous and terrible heavy downpour with lightning striking the ground and illuminating the dark skies every few minutes accompanied with loud roar of thunders. To make matters worse, the water was rising up to their ankle level. There was no way in hell they were able to enjoy the outdoor rides. Albeit all those bad circumstances, it did not dampen Jason's spirit even one bit. He was determined to brave through all of them and make their last anniversary as boyfriend and girlfriend a memorable one for Gwen.
Ten minutes past 8pm and Gwen has yet to arrive. Jason gave her a call and only to find out she was right behind him. She gave him a kiss and a warm hug to make up for her lateness. Jason took her hand and led her into the theme park but Gwen did not move an inch at all. Jason tried again but again it was futile. He looked at her and gazed right into her beautiful blue eyes with his signature baby face.
Jason: "What's wrong baby? Why don't you want to come in?"
Gwen: "I am sorry dear."
Jason: "Why? For being late? Come on dear, it’s nothing. No cause for your sorry okay? Come, let's go in!"
Gwen: "I am sorry dear but I have let go of you, so please leave."
Jason: "What? No. Don't do this to me please."
Gwen: "I have let go of your hand, so go."
*turns her back on him and let go of his hand*
Jason: "No, I won't go!"
*took her hands and held it even tighter*
Gwen: "Thank you for loving me. Goodbye."
*walks away quickly in the heavy rain with tears streaming down on her cheeks and a heavy and broken heart.*
Gwen walked as fast as she could, not giving any attention to any of Jason calling for her. She turned to see him for the last time only to realize he was running after her. She fastens up her pace and eventually started running with her heels in the horrendous pouring rain. She was too caught up running away from him till she did not realize a speeding red car was charging towards her like a mad bull. A red Toyota knocked her down which sent her flying to the other side of the road. Memories of her and Jason started playing in her mind when she was flying in mid air.
She fell head first, hit the curb with a loud thud and then rolled onto the wet and dirty black road. Red thick fluid soon began to gush out nonstop from her head. She lay there on the ground, motionless. Her head was in a total whirl and she could only hear her husband-to-be calling her name faintly. She was too weak to reach out for his hands. Her breaths were getting shorter and heavier. Her heart beat was decreasing slowly. Her face was as white as the clean, fresh sheet of paper from her office. Her hair was not only wet from the puddles of water she landed on but from her blood which was still flowing from her broken head.
By the time the ambulance came, it was all too late. Gwen had already gone to the other side of the world to be near to God. Maybe, she was already up in Heaven, a place where there is neither suffering nor pain, looking down at him and her dead body. She died a few split seconds before the paramedics could revive her. Her last words were, "Nal Whee Han Ee Byul and Saranghaeyo." or "It is time to say Goodbye and I love you." in Korean. Jason's mind was flooded with endless questions that were unanswered. The red Toyota car had sped off and he did not manage to catch the plate number but he did manage to catch a glimpse of the driver. The man who killed the love of his life.
The murderer turned out to be his father's assistant who was assigned to kill Gwen by his father! After a series of investigations and questioning by the police, the murderer confessed to be the accomplice of Jason's father and pointed his finger to his father. His father was behind the accident all along. Jason was speechless by the confession of his dad's accomplice and he quickly went to see his dad. His dad admitted to his wrongdoings and even confessed to him that he had threatened to kill his son if Gwen did not leave him 2 months before his wedding. Jason was shocked and stumped beyond words. He wished that it was all just a bad dream but reality sucks as he often said. It was all happening to him. He saw his world crash to the ground right before him. His dad was jailed for life for attempting murder. The girl that he loved the most is no longer with him. His business began to dwindle down slowly and soon he had to close it down. He had lost everything, well almost everything. Thankfully, he still had his sanity. Anyone would have just chosen to take an easy way out to be free from all the pain - Suicide.
Exactly 2 months after he lost Gwen to the heart wrenching tragedy, he went back to the scene of the accident and sat by the road watching cars pass by him and soon snowflakes began to cover his head with pure white patches which looked as if he had aged terribly. His phone rang and there was a video message for him to retrieve. It was from Gwen, the love of his life. A video message from her which was recorded exactly on the day of their anniversary, the day, he lost her. It felt good to see her again and hear her talking to him. His heart which ached terribly suddenly stopped aching upon seeing her face. In the video, Gwen explained to him why she decided to let go of him and how terrified she was if she were to lose him to his own flesh. She thanked him for loving her, for giving her the happiness which she craved for badly and for being her prince who gave her happy endings for the last time ever. She wished him happiness and reminded him of the intertwined branch tree in Jeju.
Gwen: "Just like the branch of the tree which is now intertwined. No matter how far apart they are from each other, they are still connected and be as one. Just like you and me, no matter how far apart we are from each other. My heart is now intertwined with yours and I am always there right beside you, loving you every minute, every moment of my life. I love you. It is time to say Goodbye to you, Jason. Goodbye dear."
Jason was lost and out away from reality. He was deeply immersed in the video. A sudden loud roar of honk and intense bright light jolted him out. The honk was so loud, it deafened him and the white light was so intensely bright, it blinded him. Darkness began to envelope him, his body began to ache. Soon he was overwhelmed with extreme degree of pain. His hand phone had flung out of his hand and broke into two. He could barely move an inch and he could not even feel any single sensation from his body when he tried to move other than excruciating pain. Just like Gwen, he was knocked down by a speeding car and this time, a reckless and irresponsible drunk teenage boy was behind the wheels. Both men died on the spot from the terrible impact of the car crash.
On the other side of the road, he saw Gwen for real this time. She stood at the end of the road with her hands holding out for him. Jason saw his bloody, broken body, lying motionless and breathless on the ground. He walked away without looking back and move quickly towards Gwen. She took his hands and whispered,
"Hello dear. I missed you. See, just like they say, we separate only to meet each other again. And now, we are truly together forever, our hearts are connected as one and no one will come between us again."
The couple soon vanished into the thin air passing through a white, clean wall away from the scene of the crash.
---
The End.
& the heart races again.Relapses after relapses.
Irregular heartbeats on the bed, with the heart racing and thumping away.
Tiny droplets of sweat standing hand in hand with the army of pimples on my forehead.
My hand on my chest feeling every beat of my racing heart and trying to make it slow down, stopping it from getting out of my ribcage.
thump-pum-pum-thumpa-pum-pum
thump-thump-thump-pum-pum-pum
like a tune of an old song from past years,
it rings in my head and I am humming to it.
Decision."Girl, I have made a decision this time.
And I am sorry, I have chose to walk away. This time, I am doubling my steps and if there is a need, I will run away from it all.
With flustered and entangled thoughts with raw, terribly mixed and overwhelming emotions taking over me, here I go, walking away from this mess and the not so beautiful disaster I have got myself into. Like I have always said to you, I am not the best person or even a friend which you can rely to every time. I chose to walk away the last time and I acknowledged the harsh reality that when I walked away from you, from your life, I missed all the good times that you have experienced and I was not even there by your side to witness them all. I knew, you wished I was there to see them all, I wished the same too.
Those smiles we flashed to each other on the streets no longer have the same effect on me, it no longer seem real neither does it seem sincere to me. Those cheesy and mushy words which we once recited over and over again has fallen on deaf ears and there are no significant feelings behind them anymore. They are just words to me now, no feelings, no sentimental value, no, nothing.
Now, I choose the best option again for us to move on, to move forward in our lives and live with whatever remnants our friendship has. Good memories will never be forgotten and has already occupied a small space in my heart.
Call me a coward who refuses to let her heart get trampled on or shatter into a million pieces or an escapist who just know how to run away from problems, not wanting or knowing to solve them. If running away from all these things helps me in my healing, I am going all for it. If walking away from all these things despite having to endure an aching heart physically and emotionally, I am making my feet move away from you now, at this very moment.
Goodbye is not something I want to say but be well and best wishes would be my last words to you. So take care and be well, be happy now. "
said her good old friend to her for the last time she will ever hear from her again.
As she disappeared from her clear sight, her heart fell with a thump and she sank to the ground, crying over a dead friendship built over mutual trust and deep understanding for one another, a friendship which knows no barrier, a friendship which she took for granted all these while. Too late for regrets they say, it is all over.
------
The End.
p/s : This short story/scene whatever you want to call it, is a mere reflection of what is happening in my crazy life lately. With all the problems coming in and going out, with friends suddenly vanishing and then appearing out of nowhere, failed friendships which have been stagnant and not progressing since I don't know when and many others which seems to be endless of them coming at my door, banging hard trying to get in. Not finger pointing to anyone out there but this would be a scene which I am very familiar to in my life at this very moment because just like that girl, I am walking away too.
My mind is flustered and in a great terrible mess, my heart is empty for anybody to call home and my emotions? They are just overwhelmingly mixed and raw for me to handle.
Love,
A.
My first essay after taking a break from writing since the end of English O'Level Paper 1. :)
Heaven a place where there is no suffering nor pain.Both mentally and physically drained, she sank right into her bed within seconds. Her bed seemed to be like a quick sand pulling her deeper and she was too exhausted to do anything about it, she just let it pull her down. She closes her eyes and begin to rest. She fell into a deep sleep soon after.
"Who are you?" she asked the beautiful lady who stood in front of her.
Standing right in front of her was a beautiful lady whose skin was as fair as the snow, whose beauty was just simply breathtaking. Her face was a familiar face which she knew so well but she just could not make it out who the lady was. The lady came closer to her, the closer the lady was to her, the harder it became for her to recognise the lady. Her mind was entangled with doubts, insecurities and faces that she came to know for the past how many years of her life. Deep in her heart, she knew the lady but she just could not make out just who she is.
"Its me, don't you recognise me dear? Or have you forgotten me already? Remember our promise?" the lady asked.
She asked herself quietly and tried again to remember and recognise the lady who is now standing just a few feet from her. The more she asked herself, the harder it was for her to get the answer she wanted. The harder she tried to remember and recognise the lady, the worse it became. Not only her mind is entangled with all sorts of doubts and insecurities, faces of the people whom she came to know begin to get all blurry and began to disappear slowly.
The beautiful and snow skinned lady handed her a photo of them together taken a few months back during their most recent meeting. She looked at the photo closely and carefully scrutinizing it to get some clues. The place looked very familiar, it was some place very close to her heart. She looked at the photo and she saw the smiles on their faces, the joy and happiness they had. She tried again but to no avail. The lady took her hand and squeezed it tightly. A sudden surge of warmth and happiness began to overwhelm her. The sudden surge was again familiar as if she had experience it before.
The lady looked at her and asked her the same question for the very last time, hoping to get the answer she wanted badly. Sadly, she did not receive the answer she wanted. She said her last few words to her and left.
"Be good." those two words kept ringing and playing in her head like a broken record and suddenly, it seemed that God sympathised her and a miracle happened. A sudden influx of memories of her and the beautiful lady started to flood her mind and kept playing, aiding her in remembering the lady. She realised who the lady was but it was all too late for she had walk away, no where in sight.
The girl woke up from her deep sleep instantaneously as if some unseen forces pulled her out from the dream realm. She sat on her bed mulling over the dream she just had and in her hands was the photograph of her and the beautiful lady, the same exact photograph the lady gave to her. Coincidence? Maybe. She looked at the photograph and only to have her dream became a reality. She still could not recognise who the lady who appeared in her dream was. She started searching for other photographs that they might have taken together all over her room and inside her computer files even. She was blessed that she named her photographs. She read the lady's name out loud and tried to get her face in her mind. She failed quite a lot of times before she succeeded. At the end of the day, she was exhausted more than ever and this time, she was emotionally exhausted too. Drained terribly, every tiny bit of energy drained out of her.
A few days after the incident, she received a call from the beautiful lady to meet her for coffee. She agreed to it readily without thinking much despite knowing that she might not be able to recognise her when the both of them meet later. She changed to a new set of clothes, fresh new clothes with the smell of the softener lingering. She arrived at the cafe on time with the photograph in her hands and the lady was already there waiting for her to come. She took a final look at the back of the photo which she wrote down their names the other day. She called out her name in her mind and this time, lady luck was on her side, the lady's face appeared and she knew she had regained back her memory even though it might just be small part but it was better than nothing.
She ran towards the lady as fast as she could and gave her a tight warm hug which the lady reciprocated back with what she remembered, her signature hug. It felt good, so good, she experienced another sudden surge of happiness running through her body. She looked at the lady with teary eyes and said,
" Oh my God! I am so happy I am able to remember and recognise you now! Do you know how scared I was when I totally lost all my memories of you and me and I could not even recognise you in our photographs we took together. I kept asking myself just who on earth are you and what is my relationship with you. I was so afraid that I would not be able to recognise and remember you when I saw you just now!"
Her voice began to crack and she was sniffling away moments later. She was overwhelmed with such mixed emotions that took over her. The lady wiped her tears which was flowing uncontrollably like a broken tap, pulled her close to her and pushed the girl's head on her shoulder and ran through her hair with her fingers, consoling and calming the girl down.
" I was so afraid that I will never ever be able to remember you! I was so afraid that you will leave me when I cannot remember you at all, not even one tiny bit of you! I was so afraid of losing you! I was very afraid, so afraid of all that." the girl continued with her muffling voice.
"You silly little girl! Even if you were to forget me, you should know that I will never forget you and I will never leave you. Never! Well of course if my memory starts to fail and I have totally forgotten about you then maybe I might. *giggles* But rest assured, I will never leave you. So have you been good lately?" the lady said to her with a smile.
They sat down together with their coffees on the table, talking away, updating each other on their lives. They were having so much fun together talking about a lot of things, sharing their stories at the same time reminisced the good old days, happy memories that they had created in their friendship that knows no age nor status differences. Their giggles and laughters filled the whole cafe. You can definitely sense their happiness and joy when you pass their table. The girl could be seen smiling away from ear to ear and the beautiful lady on the other hand was enjoying all the free time she had on her hands and the company of her little girl. They must have felt like they were in heaven for heaven is a place where there is no suffering nor there is pain. Her suffering of trying to regain back her memories were over ; the pain she had to endure during the process of regaining back her memories plus the fear which she had to live with vanished into the thin air, long forgotten perhaps.
You.Made me smile.
Made me tear up.
Made me laugh.
Made me cry.
Drove me crazy.
Drove me to my early grave.
Drove me up against the wall.
Drove me insane beyond words.
Made my heart melt.
Made my heart flutter.
Made my heart beat twice as fast.
Made my heart jump in happiness.
Made my day.
Ruined my day.
Give me hopes.
Dashed my hopes when I least expect you to.
You.
Who are you to do all this to me?
I wonder.
Adorra the Explorer according to Mellie.
Littlesuperherogirl according to the Netizens.
Littlekoreangirl according to Sentosa Attractions OPS.
Just the adorable Adorra according to me. :)))
bleepbloopbangables
A space dedicated solely for my Creative Writing exercise. You can find
poems, short stories or just plain essays here. What I write is usually what comes to my mind. Nothing else. Comments? Direct them to
aziemah.az@gmail.com
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Leave them here, or else!
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